Sign Me Up: George Carlin School of Parenting

As the wedding invitations and baby showers roll in (I'm going to one of each in the next few weeks.), I am doing meta-thinking about marriage and children again. Not so much what I think, but what what I think means about me and how I relate to others.

I may not have completely ruled out the idea of having children, or at least adopting an older child much later on, there are a few things I am solidly decided on. I was recently validated by a segment of George Carlin's latest tour, "It's bad for YA." which I found completely reflected what I've been thinking for many years. (and of course, George Carlin is NSFW and may be offensive.)

Hopefully, as a parent I would not:

Buy toys that do the playing for the child, nor feel responsible for supplying my child with something to do 24/7. Children need to learn to entertain themselves through creative means. I'm sure there is a plethora of important development that happens when just left to their own devices, alone, or in social groups. Creativity, management of free time and lack of structure are important.

"When does a kid get to sit in the yard with a stick anymore?... You sit in the yard with a fucking stick and you dig a fucking hole." -George Carlin

"Unfortunately, play has changed dramatically during the past half-century, and according to many psychological researchers, the play that kids engage in today does not help them build executive function skills... When they aren't in front of a screen, they often spend their time in leagues and lessons — activities parents invest in because they believe that they will help their children to excel and achieve... When kids are in leagues and lessons, they are usually being regulated by adults. That means they are not able to practice regulating themselves." From a recent NPR story.

Keep my child inside a hamster ball. You learn to drive by driving, not by listening to someone tell you about driving. Likewise, a child learns good judgment by being allowed to make decisions. Within age appropriateness, children can leave one's sights, ride on a tricycle in the driveway without a helmet and knee pads, and walk home from school without a GPS implant. Early on, I learned how to safely interact with strangers, look both ways before crossing, and how to put bactine and a band-aid on a skinned knee. And yes, my parents left me alone in the car! (And for the record, crime was higher in the 80's than it is now. It's the paranoia that's gone up.)

You can't protect someone their whole lives and then throw them to the wolves at 18. That's like taking a lion raised in captivity and suddenly dropping him the middle of Africa during a drought. Good luck, Simba!

"Grade school, where he won't be allowed to play tag because it promotes victimization... Standing around is still permitted, but it won't be for long. because sooner or later some kid is gonna be standing around, and his foot will fall asleep, and his parents will sue the school, and it's fucking good-bye fucking standing around." -George Carlin

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer

Feel the need to keep my child happy all of the time. I asked a woman on a forum once if she really wanted to protect her children from ever experiencing a negative emotion. She said of course, why wouldn't she? Life sucks sometimes. Sadness, disappointment, injustice, and failing are all things we need to learn to deal with. It's called emotional maturity. Where the idea that childhood should be an idyllic heaven free from any pain, discomfort or sandwiches with the crusts still on is beyond me. Hell, people used to have kids so they'd have someone to harvest grain.

"You know what they tell the kid who lost these days? 'You were the last winner.' A lot of kinds never get to hear the truth about themselves until they're in their twenties, when their boss calls them in and says, Bobby, clean the shit out of your desk and get the fuck out of here, you're a loser."-George Carlin

"The (children) who've never struggled to achieve something difficult are easily spotted on, say, the audition rounds of Australian Idol. They're the ones who come in, sing in voices that could crack glass, and then sob indignantly when they don't make the cut. You can see the violated sense of entitlement on their disbelieving faces.

...Since they're going to be doing so much of it as adults, why not let children practice winning and losing? ...Sure you might lose. But it's a risk worth taking for the exhilarating experience of finding out what you're capable of." From an Australian article, Everyone's a winner, baby, that's the lie.

Tell my child, or especially, act like, he or she is special. Of course I will think they are special, but that doesn't make it so. Ask any school teacher about the inflated sense of entitlement so many kids have. My mother knows a man who worked in both Cleveland Public Schools, but also for a wealthy suburb. The wealthy suburb was much worse than the kids wielding knives. In the suburbs, every time a kid gets an A-, they have their parents complain to the principal. Some kids even haughtily threatened the teacher's job and to file lawsuits.

"Now PT Barnum might think they're special, but not me. I have standards." -George Carlin.

Think I can give my kid the perfect life. I can only prepare them to be a moral, capable adult. Beyond that is up to them, and I can't let my self-worth rest upon how my child turns out. Of course I'll be disappointed or proud depending on what happens, but hopefully I would be satisfied with them just being happy even if they don't have an entire wall full of 1st place ribbons for everything they've ever attempted.

And I will not try to have a perfect family. Sooner or later my child would see my spouse and I yell at and hurt each other's feelings. They will learn my self-defeating behaviors, and they will inevitably have some sort of character flaw they never get over. Just like the rest of us. All parents fail miserably by the standard we read about in books. Kids get over it. They are tougher than we give them credit for, and frankly, I'd rather they learn early on that authority figures are flawed, and that relationships and family are far from perfect bliss.My family had tons of textbook dysfunction, but my friends from white collar, polite, dinner at 5 PM households were jealous of me. I knew my parents loved me unconditionally, didn't judge me, and were people I and they could confide in. I was loved even if I came out as gay, Jehovah's Witness, or ended up at Vassar instead of Mt. Holyoke.

Repeat after me. My child will never be president, he won't be Bill Gates, and will most likely be average in most ways. And that doesn't make me a failure as a parent.

"Leadership camp. Isn't that where Hitler went?"- George Carlin

I really don't know how widespread this new style of parenting is. My friends aren't guilty of this, but I do know of a woman who took her toddler to a bachelorette party so he wouldn't miss out on mommy bonding time, Aren't adhering to the latest parenting guru without thinking for yourself and showing off your bugaboo stroller just superficial demonstrations of good parenting instead of the emotional heavy lifting of knowing you are not in control of everything? Finally, for those (and sorry, this is mostly moms) who let their children become their life's identity to the point of completely sacrificing all of their interests and adult pleasures, guess what? Your kids will be adults someday, and then you'll have no self-esteem, no identity, no resume, and no idea what to do now. And you'll probably make one hell of an annoying mother-in-law who cries if she doesn't feel needed.In contrast, that's all I'd really want, to know I did a good enough job to no longer be needed.So those are my random, George Carlin inspired thoughts for now.

From one last article on when everyone is a winner:

"There is something inherently good about trying to raise kids' feelings about themselves, but there has to be balance,' said Leonard Zaichkowsky... 'We also have to teach kids to be mentally tough, to take criticism, to experience failure, to learn that somebody wins and somebody loses.

''We have to take teachable moments to reach kids and explain that there are going to be setbacks and losses, and to be able to cope with that," he said...

'The trophies should go to the winners. Self-esteem does not lead to success in life. Self-discipline and self-control do...' (Roy Baumeister, a professor of psychology at Florida State University) said.